Movie Review: Transformers–Revenge of Bay with Car-Car Binks!

26 Jun


June 26th, 2009–

Hoo-ha! Our first guest reviewer! The Great Fatsby has tackled Transformers 2 and has the low-down to prove it. I have not seen the movie but TGF has and it sounds like a laundry list of the implausible and idiotic. Alot of this has been reported elsewhere but Fats might be the first one to use the term ‘Car Car Binks’.

Honestly, this is one of those critic-proof movies. When something makes 60 million dollars on a frickin Wednesday it means that a large part of its audiences knows it sucks and either don’t care or going for that very reason. Me, Im still seeing it with my dad next week. He wants to go, and I actually had a good time at the first mainly because he was there and it was a window back to childhood. I don’t have any allegiance to the transformers or Bay but I do remember watching my dad patiently try to assemble a dino-bot for me on Christmas morning or getting my first Transformer as gift from he and my mother when I was in the hospital. When I watched the first one, in a round-about way it reminded me that people cared for me. According to Fatsby,however, Michael Bay doesn’t care about you. But he does want you see his movie.

Next week, or whenever I get around to this one, I’ll add my review on. Until then, take it away Fats….

Well, love him or hate him, Michael Bay has another explosion-laden brain-melter showing at the local cinema waiting for you.  Even if you are a fan of his high-octane-and-not-much-else storytelling style, you will find yourself disappointed with the absolutely dismal story (not to mention characters) surrounding a bunch of slick scenes with things that go BOOM! loud enough to rattle your soul loose.

The story picks up a few years after the events of the first film, with the Autobots working with the US military to search and destroy any remaining Decepticons on the planet.  As the movie picks up the pace, we find out that there is a sliver of the Allspark remaining on earth, and an ancient key used to fire up a machine that will destroy the sun.  That’s as far as I’ll go into explaining the plot here, because, lets’ face it, you will go see this movie even if I tell you it sucks – all you really need is giant robots and either you’re in, or you’re out.

There are a lot of new robotic faces in the mix, the worst of which are the “twins”, Mudflap and Skids.  Think back a few years ago, to when good ol’ George Lucas let loose Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace upon the world.  Do you remember the public outrage at Jar Jar Binks, with his weird Jamaican stereotype?  Take Jar Jar, add in some big ears, a buck tooth, blend with a PT cruiser, and you’ve basically got Car Car Binks.

On top of his other crimes, Michael Bay, in his ‘infinite wisdom’ decided to create a very insensitive stereotype of a pair of young African American men, in the form of robotic warriors.  The whole movie Mudflap and Skids are busy calling everyone bitches, talking about shooting caps in asses, and letting us know they can’t read.  What is this crap?  But it doesn’t stop there.  No, instead the audience is treated to the notion that all college girls are supermodels, and hear John Turturro talk about how he’s got bagels to schmear.

And it doesn’t stop at racist jokes where humor in bad taste is concerned.  We need to see dogs humping each other, a tiny robot humping Megan Fox’s leg, a pair of wrecking balls displayed as an enormous robot’s scrotum, and no less than three robot farts.  And don’t get me started on the silly pot brownie sequence.  Not that I’m some sort of film prude, but as they were making this, who exactly thought this was something for the kids?  I know they were going for some humor to lighten up what would have been a pretty good, violent action flick, but it really just comes off as airy silliness that doesn’t have a place in the movie at all.

The good news is I don’t think I’ve ever seen as many action sequences packed into a movie than there are in this flick, although there’s plenty of time to do them, given the two and a half hours’ running time.  The best is about halfway through, where Optimus is fighting three Decepticons at once, and oddly, this is the only scene in the movie that captures any emotional depth at all, and it doesn’t involve any actual actors.  Coincidence?  Maybe so, but given the lack of any real substance in this movie, that’s hardly surprising.

All of the chase scenes and robot fights are very well done, to the point that you almost feel like you are watching a completely different movie.  Everything is entertainingly visceral, violent and loud.  One of the best Decepticon robots is almost entirely 2-D, very useful if you want to chop up unsuspecting humans with your paper-thin body made of blades.  Robot fists smashing into robot faces, with red oil shooting out almost recall the Rocky flicks of yore.  You certainly get plenty of awesome right along with the heaping helping of crap.

All in all, if you want big, dumb summer fun, it doesn’t get any bigger or dumber than this.  A word of caution, though, make sure to wrap your head in tinfoil before you get into the theater to protect yourself from the Bay radiation waves that steal your IQ.



3 Responses to “Movie Review: Transformers–Revenge of Bay with Car-Car Binks!”

  1. Jen B June 26, 2009 at 11:43 am #

    Nice review TBF. I’m not gonna lie… I kind of want to see it… I do love giant robots…

  2. fandangogroovers June 26, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    This is not a movie. It is a feature length General Motors advert. As far as if it is any good: If you loved the first film you will love this one too. If you hated the first or didn’t see it don’t bother with this one.

    • The Great Fatsby June 28, 2009 at 4:40 pm #

      Sadly you are mistaken; I really enjoyed the first one even after all it’s flaw, and this sequel is just pure crap.

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